36 things I've learned after (almost) 36 years
Yes, it's one of those posts. Sorry! I'm feeling cheesy!
Tomorrow is my 36th birthday — between that and the 2016 nostalgia sweeping the internet over the last few weeks, I’ve been marinading on where I was at this time 10 years ago:
I was 26 years old, living in a tiny one bedroom in Brooklyn and working on the Clinton campaign in the midst of a very very stressful primary. My personal life was messy, my dog was living with my sister in Philadelphia for a bit to make sure she was well cared-for, and I was drinking a lot of wine at my desk.
26 year old me could not have imagined what the next 10 years would hold.
I did not expect to lose the election (sigh), or start an organization, or write two books, or get married, or have kids. I maybe could’ve predicted (or I would’ve hoped, at least) that I’d still be in New York, but otherwise, everything else about my life in my mid-thirties feels like it would have been unimaginable to the mid-twenties version of me.
What a gift! What a joy and what freedom it is to know that I have no idea what the future holds; that tomorrow does not need to be like yesterday and in fact, probably won’t be (especially if I define “tomorrow” as months or years from now.) I have agency here — I get to decide.
And also, what a nightmare! Anything could happen!! I have no idea what the future looks like!! I can’t make plans, I can’t prepare, everything is up in the air. Today may inform tomorrow but it does not dictate it — in fact, that there is a “today” at all sadly does not guarantee a tomorrow.
Anyway, as you can tell, I’m deep in my feelings. (I’m also very tired and writing this on the train to Philly for my second day trip out of NYC this week.)
So as I kick off the back half of my 30s, it feels cliche but appropriate to compile a list of things I’ve learned in my first 35 years (and 364 days) on earth — things I wish I could say to 26-year old me, and 16-year-old me, and maybe as appropriate, tiny little 6 year old me, and also maybe today-years-old me, as I try my best to prepare for the known unknowns.
36 things I’ve learned before turning 36
You don’t get what you don’t ask for — the worst someone can say is “no,” and a “no” rarely (if ever) kills you.
Relatedly: Go on the dates. Apply for the jobs. Submit the proposals. Do it for the plot, if nothing else.
As much as you can, show up to the weddings, the birthday parties, and the funerals. If you can’t show up, send a gift.
Things that are always worth the money: Movers, regularly scheduled cleaners, mattresses, warm jackets.
Things that are rarely worth the money: That last drink you order after you know you should probably stop.
Go on that big trip, to the movies, or to the restaurant alone. Spend all day rotting in bed if you want. One day it’ll cost you (either emotionally, financially, or just in terms of time with your kids) in order to do fun things just for you — enjoy the freedom while you’ve got it.
In fall 2018 you will skip Thanksgiving with your family to do your dream vacation of 14 days alone in Bali, spending as much as you can reasonably afford. You will do two yoga classes a day, eat delicious food, and finally visit the monkey forest. A picture from that trip will be the top one on your Hinge profile, which is how you will meet your eventual husband. He’ll still bring it up to you 8 years later. Said differently: Don’t wait. Take the dream vacation.
Physical therapy totally sucks. Do it anyway. Your knee/back/pelvic floor will feel better for it.
Take more pictures!! Not for the internet, just for you. Get them printed. Save them.
I know it feels unbelievable but you really really don’t need that n-th pair of jeans. Stop buying denim.
If the dog doesn’t like the guy, ditch him — she has better taste than you do.
Marriage is not hard. Life is hard! But marriage to the right person? Tbh, pretty easy, and makes the hard parts of life survivable.
Your life partner will function as your career’s glass ceiling. Don’t settle.
There are periods of your life where you should say “yes” to as many things as you can and periods of your life where you need to say “no” more. Be crystal-clear about which phase you’re in.
Stick with your therapist (even if you scale back session frequency dramatically) during the good times, because when the crisis hits, you’re going to be glad you don’t have to start over.
Professional accomplishments will make you proud. Listening as your daughters giggle uncontrollably while your husband reads a silly baby narwhal book to them will make you feel like you could conquer the world.
Social media will make your career flourish, and also, social media absolutely sucks. Both can be true.
It’s okay to decide you simply don’t like group travel, and to stop saying yes to the invites. Just don’t get sad when after a few years, you stop getting invited. You didn’t want to go anyway!!
You’re gonna buy the expensive clothes thinking you’ll be able to resell them on Poshmark. You probably won’t be able to (or if you do, you’ll really drag your feet on bringing it to the shipping center.) Just don’t buy the thing.
The most important thing you can do in any job or internship is get to know as many people as possible. These people will be your network (or the ones you know not to work with in the future) — shooting the shit with your colleagues is rarely a bad use of time.
Your job as the boss is to lead the team effectively in service of your mission and goals. “Being liked” while you do that is a nice-to-have, not a need-to-have.
If someone invites you to the meeting or the brainstorm or the phone call, it’s because they want your opinion. Speak up.
Cheesy but true: Fear is an emotion. It’s not an excuse. Just do it afraid.
Don’t read the comments. Don’t read the Goodreads reviews. Don’t read the spam message requests. Don’t seek out the haters — they’ll find you. (And if you ignore this advice: Try not to take any of it personally.)
In 2014, you will make a new year’s resolution to try and wear red lipstick more. Skip the experimenting and go straight to MAC’s Ruby Woo. It’s a classic for a reason.
It is hard to picture during your early 20s but at some point in 2018 you will significantly cut back on drinking because a few too many glasses of wine makes you uncomfortably sad. By 2026, you can count the number of drinks you have in a year on one hand. This is ideal for both your brain and your bank account.
I’ve said this before but it’s worth saying again: Your kids will not ruin your career. Becoming a parent will make you more efficient, more ruthless in prioritization, marginally less patient with bullshit, and exponentially more ambitious in trying to discover else what you might be capable of.
You will go through a phase every so often where you will convince yourself you are the kind of person who can handle a fancy multi-step skincare routine. You will drop lots of money on various products, use them once or twice, and then lose the momentum and let them sit in your cabinet for months on end. Let go of trying to be someone you’re not. You are a drugstore cleanser + prescription tretinoin + supergoop sunscreen kinda gal, end of list. That’s okay!
Similarly: It is okay to not find joy in cooking, makeup, jewelry, fancy shoes, live music, or home decor. That’s not a moral failure. You like what you like.
Get the pet insurance and don’t cancel it. The premiums will feel like a waste of money until all of a sudden you’re grateful you can make decisions based on the dog’s quality of life and comfort and not on finances. (Note: My dog is still alive!! She just had a very expensive year of veterinary care.)
The yoga practice you started when you lived in LA that semester junior year of college — when you went for 120 days straight to Bikram yoga, often taught by the Bikram who was later credibly accused of harassment (and that you absolutely believe based on the shit he used to say in class) — will become a core part of the rest of your life, albeit without the heat. Even as you dislocate your knees and have multiple surgeries, get pregnant twice, and find yourself often too busy between the work and kids to even take a half hour, you will always feel better when you can squeeze in a class. Try harder.
Don’t under rate the power of a hot shower, a very cold glass of water, and a good night’s sleep.
A few line-items to add to your budget sooner: Holiday tips for caregivers, DoorDash giftcards for friends who have babies, flowers for friends to celebrate big accomplishments, and flowers for friends to mourn their losses.
There will be a tipping point where caffeine in the afternoon goes from a must-need-to-survive to absolute-night-ruiner. You’ll know it when you get there.
Use your Google Calendar for everything — to remind you of your friends’ birthdays, their babies’ birthdays, the anniversaries of people’s deaths, just to check in with people, and when to cancel that subscription you set up before it renews. It’s not embarrassing to have systems.
The cliche is true: Your 30s are better than your 20s. You will feel more confident, more self-aware, more loved, and with way fewer fucks to give. You will feel unleashed in a way that will (somewhat surprisingly) give your career a boost. You will feel less shame (not none, but less!) and way more delight — it’s not that the little things won’t bother you as much but rather, you will have a faster metabolism for the annoyances. Some of that is age, some of that is Zoloft, but no matter the source — it will be fun. Fingers crossed it only gets better from here.
If you liked this, you might also enjoy the list of things I wish I could tell pre-baby me — tbh, it’s one of my favorite things I’ve ever written.
The best possible birthday gift: Buying my book! Pick up a copy of When We’re in Charge in any format you’d like — hardcover, e-book, or audio book (narrated by yours truly) anywhere you get books, including Amazon or Bookshop.org or literally anywhere else. If you have Spotify Premium, you can listen to for free right this very minute.
Damn that’s a good list. I’m 70, will share it with my wife (both still working), and with our daughter, 28, and son/daughter-in-law, 30/29
Great list! My wife turns 36 today, so this was a serendipitous read! Happy birthday to you, and thank you for sharing your insights!