Being a mom is fun, actually
Kind of a hot take ahead of Mother's Day
My anxiety about my book coming out on Tuesday is through the roof - so instead of spiraling about that, I want to talk about something fun: Being a mom.
Earlier this week a close friend said to me: “You like motherhood more than almost anyone else I know.”
I don’t know if that’s a factually true statement, but I will say this: I really do like being a mom, and I certainly find it more enjoyable than most people on the internet,
Parenthood has a PR problem.
wrote about this in an essay in October (which I read while I was on maternity leave with baby #2) in a way that stuck with me:For every parent talking about what it’s like to have kids online, there’s an audience analyzing their commentary, deciding whether it feels realistic or dramatic, authentic or fraudulent. The judgments are varied: Parents are either accurately or inaccurately making parenthood look rosy or miserable. The parents might be talking about it too much—“making parenthood their personality”—or they might not be talking about it enough, including all the right details so people know what it’s really like. “No one is talking about this!” is a common refrain employed by parents and non-parents alike, despite the fact that everyone seems to be talking about everything all the time, and often at a cost.
There is no “right” way to talk about parenthood — and especially motherhood — that doesn’t open you up to criticism.
Even as I sit down to write this, I’m acutely aware that I’m privileged, and that I get to love being a mom in part because of things like:
The resources to afford full-time childcare and the confidence in a daycare nearby that is safe, loving, and fun for my daughters
Parents that moved to Brooklyn to be nearby and function as a childcare safety net in case of emergencies
A husband who is a way better dad than I am a mom — our partnership is more than equal, and if anything, he does more domestic labor than I do
A job that gives me a certain amount of autonomy over my schedule within reason, generous benefits including fully paid leave, and allows me to maintain a substantial identity outside of my role as “mom” (all of which is only possible because of the previous three points)
Having generally healthy kids who are good sleepers
And as so many writers have pointed out, many of the reasons women struggle is because society wants it that way.
Childcare is so expensive and hard to find. We don’t have fully paid family leave. Housing is so prohibitively expensive that many people can’t live near family, or can’t build community, or have to spend time commuting when they would rather be with their kids. Reproductive health care is getting harder and more dangerous to access and having kids feels like less of a choice with each new law. Too many men don’t great models for how to be good active dads and too many women are taught not to ask for what they need; etc, etc. The list goes on and on and on.
And of course, even as we love them, even the best kids are sometimes annoying, dirty, surprisingly wet (why are they so wet??), often relentless little parasites who will leech the life out of you like mosquitos, yelling when all you want is silence, demanding more water and more yogurt and more more more when it is time for them simply to go the fuck to sleep.
All of that being said: I still love it! The only reason I have two kids is because I love being a mom more than I hated being pregnant (and holy shit did I hate being pregnant.)
I love it for the obvious reasons: My kids make me laugh so hard I cry on a near daily basis.
I love the way the baby takes that final exhale before she falls asleep against my chest, safe, cozy, and warm in the carrier, knowing that nothing bad can happen to her beyond her big sister yanking on her toes.
I’m unendingly entertained by how my big girl’s morning routine currently includes helping my husband “make mama’s breakfast,” in which she puts exactly five spoonfuls of chili crisp on toast, pats the egg with a spatula after he slides it onto the bread, and carrys the plate across the room while chanting “two hands! two hands!” to give it to me.
The delight she takes in having a job to do! The way she gets irrationally furious if my husband starts any of those steps without her! The pure smile of satisfaction on her face as she thrusts a plate into my hands with a jubilant “here you go mama!” It’s all just too good.
Just earlier this week, the girls took a bath “in the big tub” together for the first time — when I moved the baby to sit up and the two kids could look each other in the eyes, they both broke out in uncontrollable giggles, splashing, cackling, and finally screaming at the pure delight of being together in the silliness.
In that moment, I was hit with the realization: “Oh, this is why I had two of them.”
Watching their little brains light up is like watching a magic show every minute of the day— it’s existing in a state of perpetual wonder. Even when it’s annoying, that my big girl now stops in the middle of the sidewalk to point out all the “O”s she sees on the sign in the window feels like a revelation. Watching the baby eat sour food for the first time is both miraculous and hysterical.
But beyond them: I also like what being a mom has done to me.
I like that motherhood has made my world smaller — not in a claustrophobic way, but in a way that feels homey. Having kids has pushed me out into the neighborhood and into the same spaces with other parents.
We frequent the same places — daycare pick-up and drop-off, the playground, the library, the bagel place — and see the same people over and over again, and so thru brute repetition and enough things in common, we’ve become friends. I cannot run an errand without seeing someone I know. New York City is big, but the 30-minute walk radius of my home is cozy.
I appreciate the way parenting has changed my relationship to my body. While I’m not fully in the “my body made a person so who cares what it looks like” headspace, I am acutely aware more than ever that my daughters are always watching.
I want them to grow up with healthy enough self-esteems and enough critical thinking skills to be able to withstand the bullshit society throws at women. That comes in part from what they hear me say and how I act.
At two years old, my big girl already wants to match her outfit to mine, and wear purple sandals and sunglasses like I do. She wants to be my mini-me — what me is she seeing?
I am also grateful for how having kids has transformed my relationship to work. (This is a big theme in When We’re in Charge).
The stakes of my work are heightened because this is the country my kids will inherit, and at the same time, the most immediate thing I can do to be a good mom is to be present.
My mission is urgent; not every task in service of that mission is urgent, especially when the alternative is time with my family. That clarity is a gift, even when the decisions themselves are hard.
Becoming a parent has given me a cheat-code to small talk — “Forgive me, I have my toddler’s cold” opens the door to “Oh you have kids? Me too! How old?” and whoosh, we’re off to the races bonding over a shared experience.
I could go on and on — the way kids have changed (in a good way!) the way I think about time, or food, or fun.
Yes, I miss having a clean apartment and fancy clothes that didn’t need to survive getting spit up on. I liked being able to go to the movies whenever I wanted. I haven’t watched a TV show that wasn’t Daniel Tiger or Sesame Street since I came back from maternity leave, and my exercise class attendance is rarer than it was pre-kids. Plus, of course, I miss having disposable income that didn’t go straight to diapers or formula or childcare.
But the trade off is more than worth it.
I write all this knowing that as soon as I put my computer away for the night and open up TikTok, I’ll scroll past videos of moms venting about the hard parts. I’m grateful for that content, and for writers like
, , , and so many others who don’t shy away from the #realtalk about the challenges of parenthood.Hell, I’m (perhaps overly) self conscious about writing about the good stuff!
I don’t want you to interpret any of this as judgment: I love being a mom and I am thrilled for the people who’ve chosen a different path — there are so many good and joyful ways to live.
It is fucked up but real that I feel defensive — I feel the need to tell you that being a mom is not all of who I am; that I have spent my entire career trying to elect people who would make it easier for people to be parents if they want to be; that my new book is a playbook for a style of leadership that includes paid leave, flexible schedules, and autonomy; that I know I am incredibly lucky that I get to love this.
I’m not saying every minute is a trip to Disneyland — I regularly deal with three different variations of feces (dog, baby, toddler) before 8am. When my toddler lost her mind because I moved her scooter three inches to the left, I found myself doing deep-breathing in the bathroom. The baby spitting up all over her fourth outfit of the day before lunch turns laundry into a Sisyphean enterprise.
But on the whole, this Mother’s Day weekend, I’m choosing the hot take:
Being a mom is fun, even if (and sometimes because) it is hard. And especially right now, I refuse to be ashamed about finding joy — which is just as important as misery needing company.
Two book recs:
Life Derailed by Beth Merlin and Danielle Modafferi - Remi is a magazine editor at a mostly-dying women’s mag when a new chief digital officer, Jason, shows up with a supposedly revolutionary AI tool that will transform the outlet (and also require less staff….) As Remi and Jason butt heads to shape the future of the magazine, Remi deals with figuring out how to move on from her grief 3 years after her husband died. There’s a subplot here about Ukraine and politics that I didn’t totally need, but the emotional stakes are great.
Second Life by Amanda Hess - I am not quiiiiiite done with this yet but I am really enjoying it so feel confident I can rec it: Amanda documented her relationship with the digital world (the internet, her phone, femtech) as she went through her first pregnancy and parenting her first son, who was born with a rare genetic condition. I am exactly the target for this book and I love it.
The only other links I’ve got for you this week are some of the pre-publication interviews I’ve done for When We’re in Charge — sorry not sorry!
I talked with
at length about the book, the Democratic Party and how much we hate Andrew Cuomo. [Progress Report]This was a nitty-gritty in-the-weeds convo about managing a progressive organization over the last eight years and my broader theory on leadership, if that’s your jam. [The Great Battlefield]
Last week I was on American Fever Dream with
and to talk about the book, why renters should run for office, and more. [American Fever Dream]
It’s been busy — tons more stuff coming next week, as the book is finally out!!
When We’re in Charge comes out on TUESDAY!!
You can get your copy at:
Amazon // Bookshop.org - use code AMANDA15 for 15% off // Barnes & Noble // BAM!
I’m doing events in NYC on 5/15 & DC on 5/21. Both are free but please RSVP!
If you’re ever going to buy the book, just buy it now — preorder the e-book, the audiobook, or the hardcover and just get it. The more early sales, the better.
And if you’ve already gotten your copy, post about on your preferred social media platform! Word of mouth is the low-key #1 seller — it all helps.
I love this hot take. I relate to so much of it -- in both my experience of motherhood and the way I talk about my experience of motherhood. Thank you for sharing!
This nails it so perfectly! Thank you for sharing your joy and reminding me of my own with two young daughters. Happy Mother’s Day! 💖