Making the content I wish to see in the world

Plus, some recs...

One of my New Years resolutions is to make the content I wish to see in the world. (For example: The book I have coming out in May! Details coming soon, I promise!)

As part of that, I’m going to actually, finally, genuinely commit to taking this Substack more seriously.

I don’t know yet what it’ll be — maybe book recs, maybe articles or podcasts, maybe book launch details, maybe some more personal writing?

I wish I had something more concrete for you. I wish I had something more concrete for myself — in this second postpartum phase, I find myself grasping a bit for a narrative of self.

After my first kid was born in 2022, there was a clear story I could tell. I could point to all the ways my life, identity, and priorities changed as I transformed in an instant from not-parent to parent.

The discombobulation was obvious but explicable — there were countless books and movies that would tell it back to me and give me the words for how it felt to ~become a mom~. I read about matresence, about the physical and hormonal changes of literally growing a person, and devoured anything I could find about the ways motherhood would transform my ambition.

The content for having a second kid is more practical. How to prep your toddler for their life turning upside down; what gear you need doubles of; how to rebuild your pelvic floor after multiple pregnancies. (Sigh.)

But there is little I could find about the mental mindfuck that comes with a second baby beyond “yes your heart will grow again” type cliches.

Four months in, I kind of understand why. Two kids are hard in all the ways I expected — but having another baby has not utterly upended my identity.

I was a mom before she was born; I am still a mom now. The muscle memory of swaying a newborn came back as fast as the all-too-familiar lower back pain. I quickly remembered how much of their early weeks revolve around getting the baby to comfortably fart; I knew the tricks of how to get her tiny wriggly arms into the pajamas that she’d grow out of within a few weeks.

We barely changed our routines — just a few days into the baby’s life, she was cozied up in the carrier and we were back at the playground with the toddler.

While the baby has her own quirks and is, of course, a different person than her big sister, the overall experience is very much a been there, done that, have the spit-up covered t-shirt to prove it.

And yet, for all that is the same, I do not feel the same! I just had a baby! My brain is foggy and my sense of self is floating somewhere just out of reach.

Nothing is different, but/and, everything is different. (Kind of like Trump 2.0 — equal amounts of shit, too.)

Looking back, it took nearly a year after my first kid to feel like me again, and oddly enough, the thing that helped get me to that point was writing the book proposal that ultimately I sold on my daughter’s first birthday.

This time around, the book is 99% done, and the writing I do for work, while meaningful, does not scratch the same itch.

So I’m going to try writing my way back to figure out what I have to say. We’ll see what comes out.

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In the meantime, some book recs!

The Most Wonderful Crime of the Year - Ally Carter — One part cozy mystery, one part sweet enemies-to-lovers romance, one part holiday novel — Knives Out-esque with some good one liners. It’ll hold up even if you’re not reading it at Christmas.

The Personal Librarian - Marie Benedict and Victoria Christopher Murray — Historical fiction about Belle da Costa Greene, the personal librarian to JP Morgan -- and unbeknownst to everyone else, a Black woman passing as white as she rose to the top of the art world. This was riveting.

Be Ready When the Luck Happens - Ina Garten — I don’t know why I held off on reading this for a while - it’s so soothing and low stakes. She’s a good-not-great writer but that doesn’t matter; it was really fun to read, even with all the name-dropping.

The House of My Mother: A Daughter’s Quest for Freedom - Shari Franke - Woof, this book. Shari is the eldest daughter of Ruby Franke, one of the OG family vloggers who ultimately was convicted of child abuse. Shari goes into detail about her childhood both in front of and beyond the camera, what it meant to have her life documented, and her experience separating herself from her family. I never watched/still don’t watch those family vlogs, but this did give me an even stronger belief about keeping my kids and their stories off the public internet.

The Three Lives of Cate Kay - Kate Fagan - A novel structured as a sort-of-memoir of bestselling writer Cate Kay, who doesn’t exist. The voice, structure, and story in this is so well done that I was okay with the end being a little too neatly wrapped.

The Favorites by Layne Fargo - Juicy messy drama in the world of Olympic-level ice dancing that is a little bit romance, a little bit coming of age, a lot of sports/athletic drama, a lot of fame, and a tiny bit of thrill. Such a propulsive read and only a tiny bit too long.

The Lifestyle of the Common Octopus by Emma Knight - Pen leaves Canada and heads to Scotland for college, trying to learn some secrets she suspects her divorced parents are keeping from her. Over the course of her first year, she gets answers (and also finds love.) Cozy, atmospheric, and mostly pretty sweet!

Finally, in last night’s insomnia, I finished the newly-released Onyx Storm by Rebecca Yarros, the third in the Fourth Wing series — I had to watch a lot of recaps of the first two books on TikToks because she throws you right back into the thick of things. I would say it is not as good as the first book but I’d argue better than the second. You absolutely have to read the first two to have any idea what’s going on. That ending though!!!

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A few other things I’ve been reading/listening to/watching:

• White dudes who blame DEI for their failure to succeed now grapple with a question: What if actually I just suck? (Wall Street Journal)

• I loved this recent podcast episode in which PJ Vogt talks with Ira Glass about whether it’s okay to work all the time, and wonders whether fatherhood would have changed their answer. (Search Engine)

• “There is no calamity so huge that there is not beauty and humor and joy to be had in the moments between actively working on solving or evading it. Learning to take those moments, embrace the hell out of them, is what will make it all worth it, at whatever point you reach the end.” (Mishell Baker in a thread on BlueSky I’ve been thinking about since I read it)

• “Fame arrests you at the moment it arrives” explains SO much about celebrities/influencers. (Vanity Fair on Meghan Markle & Prince Harry)

• I didn’t watch that much TV over maternity leave — mostly I read or scrolled through TikTok — but I did catch up on a few movies, including My Old Ass, Aubrey Plaza’s poorly-named but beautiful, gut-wrenching, tender movie in which a teenager’s older self travels through time to give her some advice. The premise is silly, the execution is nearly perfect. (Streaming on Prime.)

• “Not one drop of her time on this earth was wasted, a reminder to stay curious, avid, alight with fury and determination and pleasure and connection.” (Rebecca Traister on Substack)

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Let me know what you’d like to see from me. Open to suggestions!